The Pope’s New Beard

Eclectic Orthodoxy

Pope Francis confirmed today that God has removed the final obstacle to Catholic-Orthodox reunion. “I woke up this morning,” he explained to reporters, “looked in the mirror and, lo and behold, there I was looking back at myself with a full beard. It had grown overnight! It’s a miracle and sign, I say, a miracle and sign! God has made me Orthodox! Let us make Eucharist together!”

The Ecumenical Patriarch, however, was a bit more cautious. “It’s a fine beard, to be sure,” declared Bartholomew I, “but is it truly an Orthodox beard? I’m not sure. It lacks the phronema of the Fathers. I have no choice, therefore, but to convene a pan-Orthodox synod, which I shall formally name ‘The Holiest and Greatest Council Yet!’ The Russians won’t be able to stay away this time. After all, they think of themselves as the world’s experts in beards.” He then whispered…

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